Thor

So a couple off friends are helping me move the mattress and couch my sister gave me. We get blocked by a dude wanting to sell me Comcast. Out of the corner of my eye I see a fire truck, out of my other eye I see a torch. I holler DUCK!!! We drop, Thor does his thing, Comcast salesman is reduced to ashes.. The fire truck comes to a screeching stop. Men, women, fire hoses are flying everywhere. In my last breath I holler "door to door salesmen!" As the fire hose is aimed at the house, my final word is Comcast. The chief packs up his men and equipment, and heads out. The local maid service washes the mess down the local sewer drain; hands me a bill with the word "FREE" scribbled on it.

Moral of the story: Don't try to sell Julian cable during the political ad season.

And finally, I gave Thor a whole box of Boo Berries for a job well done - in more ways than one.

During today's house cleaning exercise I could not get the vacuum to pick up anything. Armed with my trusty Craftsman tool set, I took the thing apart. Wow, there are three more filters! So cleaned them, washed them and dried them.

I put the vacuum back together and decided to see how successful my repairs were. I fired up the vacuum, aimed the hose at Thor, who was asleep about 10 feet away, and swoop, he got sucked!

You ever seen a washer machine out of balanced by a beach towel? That was what the vacuum was doing. I grab the fire extinguisher, unplugged the running vacuum and retreated to my computer room, fire extinguisher at my side.

So I'm late getting to bed. You see I have one of those fancy heater control gizmos. I get the house all nice and toasty so I have a warm bed to slide into. Unfortunately, if I wait too long, I get into a bone chilling bed.

So the other morning, I finish up my prayers and proceed to slide into bed. I went full fetal. I guess God didn't know I had finished my prayers, because he answered the
one "Oh My God this bed is cold!" There was a bright orange glow followed by lots of warmth and water, as usual. As I laid there, boiling, freezing and getting soaked by a rain of fire (pun ment). Thor took off and the rain of water stopped.

I looked and my water soaked bed an said, "I have seen this much water since the waterbed incident of 1979 in Phoenix." Details are sketchy, I used to drink back then and the incident involved a knife, a waterbed, Wendy's and too much booze. I do remember throwing a bucket of water out a closed window. I couldn't get the water out through the wall.

Back to Tacoma, so I look water soaked bed and at the Fire-lady and asked if this makes me a bed-wetter? She replied, "No honey, at your age we call it incontinence."

Good night.

After several exhausting days resulting in a total circadian failure, it was time to head home. I boarded the train home and was directed to a car and a room. Apparently there was a computerized mix up with my car assignment. Got the correct room, just the wrong car. It took three people, but I was escorted to another car. Upon arrival to my new car I was greeted by an apologetic lady. I told her that all was fine, that I lived with a firebug ghost named Thor and as long as there weren’t flames coming my way, I'd be okay. She pointed to where the local fire extinguisher was hanging.

Since part of the reason for taking the train was sightseeing I nodded off with my outside window curtain open. That way the light from the sun would wake me up.

I'm not sure what happened, but something woke me up, all I saw was a bright orange glow. My immediate thought was “I hate when Thor wants to play before I have gotten out of bed.” So I head for the fire extinguisher, grab it and I'm thrown to the wall. Thor does a lot of things, but he has never gotten physical. As an experienced user of dispensing fire retardant, I am able to pull the pin and empty the fire extinguisher before the pin hits the floor. Today was no exception. Turned my room white.

About this time several people showed up wanting to know what all the commotion was all about. I was able to mumble “Thor.” I could hear in the background, “let me through, let me through.” It was the apologetic lady from earlier. She asked if I was smoking in bed and I replied with “Thor.” She looked in my room. She then directed me to my room. I was proud of my work. I then saw a bright orange glow and took off to grab another fire hicky; she grabbed me and told me to stop. She returned me to the scene of my work.

She pointed to the orange glow and said, “Sir, I know you are from Seattle and never see this, but that is called 'the sun'. It comes up about this time every morning.” I replied, “Oh.”

A gentlemen with a funny hat grabbed my fire extinguisher and stuffed it back where I got it from, resulting in a hissing sound. He pointed out that by removing the fire extinguisher I set the train into “Emergency Braking.” Well that explained how I was thrown into the wall.

My name was called over the PA system with instructions to report to the dinning car. I was let go and told, “Go!” I did not feel the need to be told twice.

Once dinner was over, it was time to return to the scene of the crime. I met my Sleeping Car Attendant, i.e. Miss apologetic lady. I looked inside my room and it was spotless. I thanked her and gave her a $40 tip.

As I left the train I passed by my weapon if mess destruction. Attached was a note, please see attendant before using.

Thor, there is no escaping him.

Now that things have settled down, it is time to take better care of myself. My doctor wants me to take my blood pressure every morning, rather when I first get up. So I grab the blood pressure thinge wrap it around my arm and giant hairy spider comes crawling out, heading up. Of course there is a (manly) scream. The blood pressure do-hickey falls off my desk, bounces of my foot; results in my standing straight up shoving my chair into a stack of neatly organized boxes; which went a-l-l-l over the place. Okay now I'm angry!

Thor comes around the corner with a lit torch just as I hear the sound of air brakes being set on the local fire truck. I grab Thor, the torch, and fling both through the front window. I head for the window to do my Rambo version of "Bring it!" I get there in time to see the fire truck peeling out. The best part was seeing a fireman hanging on for his life to the fire hose being dragged behind the truck.

So back to the blood pressure task. I check for any other living things in the cuff and wrap it around my arm, as my doctor showed me. BP is acceptable, my pulse is off the scale. Guess I need to calm down. I let Thor in an get my day started.

-JJ